I’m standing here at the counter of a local sub shop wondering why I’m even here. I had plenty of lunch options at home but decided not to prepare anything. I already know that, despite the plethora of options to make a semi-healthy sandwich here, I’m going to choose my regular, most definitely unhealthy option: tuna salad on a pretzel roll topped with mayo, swiss cheese, and sweet peppers, a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and a Mountain Dew. I wasn’t always like this, and it’s certainly not what I aspire to be. I used to be the epitome of healthy eating – lots of green veggies, lean meats, limited starches and sugars, and certainly no pop (yes, I call it pop. That’s what it’s called where I’m from, so deal).  I already know my current lunch choice is furthest from healthy yet I intentionall
y sought it out. I’m fully in DGAF mode. Why? 1 word: Willpower, or lack thereof.

I get up every morning with a finite amount of energy to spend before collapsing from exhaustion at night. Most of this energy is spent surviving the day – work, band practice, errands, taking care of my son, and attempting to maintain my marriage with my wife – leaving very little left over for willpower. You know that little voice inside your head that tells you not to do things you know are inherently bad for you and usually follows through with self-control? Today that voice barely lifts a finger, and I’m actually okay with that. I’ve expended a serious amount of energy looking back at the last 4-1/2 months. My wife and I have successfully started to figure out how to raise our first son, survived the longest and worst winter of our existence (seriously, check the record books), and are starting to win the war in the trenches that is parenthood.

But winning that war comes at a personal cost. I’ve gained weight, certainly more than I wanted. Eating healthy is a struggle at the present time, and some days are better than others. Long term I know this will turn around, but the energy needs to come from within, which means major changes. Maybe at some point I can focus on that. But for now, I’m trying to figure out the next few hours. And right now that has to be good enough.