4 Months – Acceleration

My Beautiful Baby Boy,

4 months old. Four. Some people might say only 4 months old, and truthfully it does seem like ages ago that you were born. But strangely at the same time it has gone incredibly fast. Your development has accelerated at light speed this month and shows no signs of slowing down. You can push up on your own, roll over, grab your feet, bear all your weight on your legs for awhile, grab objects and pull them into your mouth, grab things that I need to be careful of now (like my food and my earring), have wonderful, bright-eyed “conversations” with me, and let’s not forget about those 2 top canine teeth that started coming in 5 days after your 3rd month! There have been some rough times this month but every giggle after a neck raspberry (that I’ve affectionately nicknamed a snozberry) makes it all worth it. Our connection is solid albeit constantly evolving. There are some days where I feel we’re completely in sync and others where I feel like a brand new parent with no skills at all. I’m definitely growing as you’re growing and we’re learning together; hopefully you can look back and say I’ve done the best I can for you.

I gaze at the photo I took when you were only 3 hours old and I’m floored, speechless at what a glorious wonder you’ve become. You’re changing so fast that I can already see what you will look like as a toddler! I could easily sit and stare at you, watching in amazement as you grow up before my very eyes. But then I snap out of it as you give me that “WTF?!?!” look and realize that I should be talking to you!

My heart bursts with pride and joy for you as it always will. I look forward to every day with you and as much as I want to hold you, freezing this moment in time forever as the world flies by, I cannot wait to see who you will become.

I love you.

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The Look

Experienced parents know it when they see it. Non-parents have no real equivalent. And for first time parents it is the most soul crushing look you’ll ever receive from your child. A few days ago I received it for the very first time. I was attempting to give T. a bottle, to make the independent feeding connection we had a few months back. Gnaw on the nipple, turn away, cry, comfort, repeat. After 10 exasperating minutes of this, with tears streaming down his face, I got the look. Eyes drift right, avoiding me for a few moments until the emotions overcome him. Eyes then lock on me and they are filled with desperation. “You know what I want. Why are you not giving it to me? What you have to offer is clearly NOT working. I’m hungry and I want Mommy. Can you not see this? Can I trust you do provide for me, to do the right thing?” These are the things he would say to me if he could. Crushed, defeated, and heart-torn for him, I head upstairs so he can find relief in the comforting bosom of Mommy.

I’m sorry, little guy, for putting you through all that. We’ll get there eventually, just gotta keep trying different things.