2 Months – Eyes Wide Open

Posted on January 15, 2014 by Chris

My Wonderful Son,

They told me time flies when you have children and they were more right than I ever thought possible. It really doesn’t seem like two months have passed since I first laid eyes on you and proclaimed triumphantly, “It’s a boy!”. Regardless of my perception of time, watching how much you’ve grown tells me it has been at least 2 months.

I wrote last month about how I started to feel a connection with you and how I wanted to explore it further. Now? That connection is solid. I can’t tell you how much fun it’s been, how much I’ve loved every minute of it. You make eye contact with me and smile. You “talk” to me, both with your mouth and your wonderfully expressive eyes. After my first full day back at work, I came home after being away from you for the longest span of time so far (9 hours). You were so happy to see me, so full of energy, and had so much to say! It was like we had a full conversation about what you and Mom did that day!

Even during the tough times I feel we’re connected. I can tell you know I have your best interests at heart, even when I can’t figure out what’s wrong right away. Feeling you settle in, nestled against my chest, calming down, and going to sleep is one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever had. You know you’re safe and secure, and your hands clutching my fingers shows me how much you want me, how much you need me.

Eventually that feeling of yours will develop into a closeness called love. And I’ll be here, as I always have, and always will be to show you the feeling is mutual. Let’s keep growing together, eyes wide open.

Some Adjustments May Be Required

Posted on January 8, 2014 by Chris

Through the magic of paternity leave and a corporate holiday shutdown I was able to take 15-1/2 straight days off of work last month. It wasn’t super relaxing with all the holiday running around, visits (everyone wants to see the new baby!), and general ruckus. But it was definitely two things: 1) time away from work; and 2) nearly 100% spent with my wife and new son. And despite the fractured sleep, general holiday stress, and ever-present learning parenting learning curve, I had a lot of fun. So now as I’m 1 week into the new work year, things feel a bit different. The work I’m doing doesn’t feel as critical and important as it once did. I’m a lot less tolerant and quicker to weed out the things that I do that are pointless and wasting my time (there wasn’t much there anyway, but still). I’m kinda irritable and a little bit annoyed at things.

That’s when hit hit me: I miss being home with my wife and son. And not just because I don’t have to do work. I can honestly say I like my current job and career path and enjoy coming to work most days. Let’s be clear: parenting is work, and when I leave my day job I go home to my second job. Only my second job is way more fun and rewarding. And for that reason I feel like when I’m at my day job that I’m missing out. It feels weird to come home and change a diaper when I haven’t changed the one before it. I’m agitated that I can only spend a few hours with him before having to prepare for the next day – prep for breakfast and lunch, then do pet chores, wash, rinse, and repeat. Worse, some part of me feels like I’m not being a parent, not taking care of my son, because I’m at work. Isn’t that ridiculous? I know logically that working provides financial support and stability and that’s one of the core tenets of being a parent. But it’s indirect. It’s not tangible. It requires me to be away from him. And right now I don’t like it one bit.

I know that this is just an adjustment thing and eventually I’ll be comfortable with it, but I’m not sure I really want to be truly at ease. We all know that time accelerates and kids grow up way too fast. He’s already growing up before my eyes; it’s amazing, wonderful, scary, and sad all at the same time. I don’t want to open the door to prioritizing work over my son. A good friend of my wife’s gave me some good food for thought when we were discussing how she balanced work and family. To paraphrase, she said “When I’m at work, I’m working. When I’m at home, I’m a mom.” This resonated with me then and even more so now. When I’m at work, I’m an engineer. When I’m at home, I’m a dad.

Now if only those “make millions from the comfort of your own home” scams really worked……

Of Music and Men

Posted on January 3, 2014 by Chris

There are a lot of things in my life that I value highly and want to pass on as important to my son. Music is definitely near the top of the list. I’m a lifelong musician – I studied classical trumpet for 10 years and dabbled in jazz, have been playing drums for 16 years and am currently in a successful local heavy metal band, and I took piano and organ lessons as a kid. My mom is a piano player and my dad has acted and sang in many community musicals despite not being able to read music. My brother played baritone and tuba in school and is a bass player in another successful local heavy metal band. I have a wide variety of musical tastes as evidenced by the 4,381 songs on my iPhone and the 7,654 songs on my computer. So you could say music is a rather large part of my life.

Along the same lines, I had a random revelation – I think I would be absolutely devastated if my son did not have similar musical interests as me. I know he’s going to grow up to be whatever he wants to be, but music is such a critical piece of my being that I will make it one of my prime missions to impress upon him how much it can be a force for happiness, comfort, inspiration, guidance, and creativity. But I have so much music! I can literally play music for him 24/7 for a LONG time and not play the same song twice! I do have a few favorites though, so I’ve come up with a list of 10 albums across a wide variety of musical genres that I will do my very best to show him how awesome they are. It was ridiculously hard to narrow this list down to just 10, but these albums have each deeply touched and altered my life in some way. I’m hoping my passion for them will enable my son to have similar experiences with music. There is so much for me to teach him!

[Note: A lot of these albums have explicit lyrics and some people may think they are not suitable for children. While I generally do not condone profanity, I believe that it has valuable uses in certain musical contexts. That is is abused by so-called musicians in lots of modern music is a discussion for another day.]

1) Lateralus by Tool
This my favorite and most listened to album of all time and Tool is also my favorite band by more than a country mile. The musical genius, passion, and emotion from this album are beyond words. I can listen to it front to back over and over and over again.

2) The Ultimate Experience by Jimi Hendrix
It’s Jimi Hendrix, do I need to say more?

3) Body and Soul by Rick Braun
Rick Braun is one of my modern idols as a trumpet player. His range is incredible and he makes it sound soooo easy. Plus his Getzen Genesis sound is so smooth it’s ridiculous! This album got tons of playing time during my high school trumpet playing years.

4) Remasters by Led Zeppelin
Really I could just play the entire Zeppelin catalog from front to back, but this album hits most of the high points. Sidenote: Heart’s rendition of Stairway to Heaven will bring you to tears!

5) Wider Angle by Hybrid
Hybrid are the pioneers of UK progressive breakbeat music. This double album showcases their incredible writing abilities and collaboration with the Russian Federal Orchestra as well as captures the energy in their live mix sessions.

6) Crack the Skye by Mastodon
A wondrous concept album that explores the heart and spirit of its astra-traveling main character. Definitely a stretch album for the metal masters but one that struck a vibe with me.

7) Warp Riders by The Sword
Another concept album by a little-known band that has all the best elements of classic and hard rock with thundering drums and ripping guitar riffs.

8) Alien by Strapping Young Lad
Devin Townsend is a musical genius. On this album he is somehow able to channel all the pain, anguish, and suffering into some of the most brilliant music I’ve ever heard.

9) With Teeth by Nine Inch Nails
Speaking of turning pain and anguish into music, there are none better than Trent Reznor. Pro tip: He was one of the influences behind picking my son’s name. 🙂

10) The Seer by Swans
I bought this double album after hearing part of 1 song in an indie music shop in Seattle. Aside from the jaw-dropping musical brilliance, I especially like this album because it teaches a lesson about music as art. This album requires total concentration to listen to and appreciate; it cannot be listened to as multitasking background noise. Listening through it completely is a life-altering experience on its own and takes my mind to lots of places trying to figure it out and interpret it. It’s pure art.

Bonus: Nevermind by Nirvana
This album is indisputably awesome, but the main reason it’s on the list is because of its significance and impact to the direction of music. This album literally changed the direction of all music and launched arguably the most prolific and influential period in American music – the 1990s grunge and alternative rock movement.

On Race

Posted on December 27, 2013 by Chris

A few days after T. was born we had to visit an audiologist to have his hearing tested (he’s fine; the equipment in the hospital wasn’t working so he couldn’t get his routine infant hearing test until after we were discharged). As I was filling out his patient information questionnaire in all its Scantron glory, something hit me. No, not the absurdity of some of the questions (why yes he does smoke and chew tobacco, doesn’t every baby?). There on the sheet was a question asking about his race. All the standard options were there – “Caucasian, Black/African American, Hispanic, Asian, or Prefer Not to Answer”. For me it was always easy; I just marked “Caucasian” and go about my business. But what do I mark for him? I’m not so sure now.

You see, T. is biracial. I am caucasian and his mother is black. Should I fill in both on his form? In truth I want to jot down a paragraph about how “race” is purely a social construct with no genetic basis and how I don’t want him to be defined by bubbles on a Scantron form. But I have neither the time or the space for that so I just marked “Prefer Not to Answer”.

This experience got the wheels turning in my head. How will he identify himself (ideally he’s just a boy)? How do I want to present the idea of race to him? I certainly want to instill the thought that race is just one of many social phenomena used to classify different groups of people. But today’s society places far more importance on race (usually in a negative way) than I want. This is all a new experience for me being the “normal everyday white dude”. What racial challenges will he face as he grows up? Am I prepared to handle them?

If anyone has any experiences or advice please share in the comments!

1 Month Into the World

Posted on December 15, 2013 by Chris

My Dearest Son,

Today you are 1 month old. On one hand this is nearly impossible to believe because it feels like just yesterday that saw you open your eyes to the world for the first time. On the other hand it feels like forever ago because I’ve watched you change and grow every single day. Your transformation has been nothing short of amazing. I’ve watched you start to discover yourself, your world, your mom, and of course me. I’ve felt the strongest love possible with you from the day you were born, but now I feel the roots of a bond, a connection, growing between us. You reach out and grip my finger. I “boop” your nose and you smile. You cry, I hold you, and I see comfort and security in your eyes. Even when I can’t solve your pain, just holding you in my arms seems to help take the edge off. Maybe I’m just projecting my feelings and you can’t really tell, but I hope you can feel it.

My goal over this next month is to explore our connection and strengthen it even more. I want nothing but the best for you and I know that starts with me. Keep growing, little man, and you’ll accomplish great things. I hope when you sleep you rest easy knowing that I’ll be there every step of the way.

10 Things I Wish I Knew About Parenting – Newborn Edition

Posted on December 6, 2013 by Chris

Like many an expectant father I had done quite a bit of reading during the pregnancy to get ready for parenthood (albeit not nearly as much reading as my wife had done, but still). Even with all that preparation I knew I could never truly be ready, but the point of reading the books was to at least have some indication of how things were going to be, right?. Yeah, that’s where the learning curve is more of a learning step function, as I found out. Here are 10 things I wish the books would have told me about our newborn. Here’s hoping it helps you see what’s coming.

1) The first night home is pure hell.
You haven’t slept in days from the long labor (yes, both you and your wife). “Sleep” at the hospital is loosely defined as laying on a 30-year-old cot (or couch if you’re really lucky) while nurses come in and out of your room every hour to check on your wife and newborn. So by the time you get home, you really haven’t slept in, say, 15 years. And now you’re on your own! New environment for your baby and you think he’ll sleep? Yeah good luck with that. You’re just trying to survive by keeping your wits about you while fighting fatigue knowing you’ve basically forfeited your sleeping privileges for at least the next 18 years. While you can’t really prepare for that, just knowing that this is coming could prevent the additional disappointment of your expectations of a blissful, celebratory first night home from being dashed. Because that’s just like kicking you while you’re down. The first night is a matter of pure survival, and yes, you will get through it one way or another.

2) You have to be everything to everyone and then some.
Even with a smooth, natural childbirth your wife still has quite a bit of recovery to do, plus she now has that additional responsibility of feeding the poor bugger every 2 hours or so. Guess what? You’re the main man now. Food prep, chores, handling visitors and phone calls, scheduling follow-up doctor visits, anything and everything is now your responsibility. If you have vacation time or paternity leave, now is the time to use it. All. Of. It.

3) You can’t be everything to everyone and then some.
I hate to break it to you, but you’re not Superman. Get some help because you’re gonna need it. Parents, friends, relatives, anyone with a pulse who can look at your situation and figure out what needs to be done and how to do it. Because you’ll be too exhausted to form coherent sentences. My mother, father-in-law, and some really close friends definitely came through in the clutch for us here. Without them we would not have been able to get back on our feet.

4) “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is advice best left in the textbook.
Sure it makes perfect sense in theory, but then reality smacks you upside the head with an anvil. You think baby is just going to pass out in the crib and you can retire to your master suite for some shut-eye? Think again. IF you can get baby to sleep it’s most likely in your arms or on your chest, so you’re propped up at a 45-degree angle looking like the saddest, lumpiest, dirtiest, smelliest recliner chair ever. Your chiropractor will put their next kid through Harvard because of the money you’re about to spend getting your body back in line.

5) Breastfeeding is HARD. FREAKING. WORK. And you can barely help.
Bleeding nipples. Poor latch. Cluster feeding. Growth spurts. Gas bubbles. Tongue and lip ties. Clogged ducts. Engorgement pain. Breastfeeding is hard, painful, and both mom and baby need to figure it out. What can you do? Stand there like an oaf with your hands and your pockets, mostly. You can be a gopher, you can be a sympathetic supportive husband, but that’s about it. Sometimes that’s enough, though, so be there for them no matter what. Support her feeding choices no matter what they are. The fact that baby is eating is the only thing that matters.

6) Learn to like the taste of crow.
Remember all those idealistic thoughts you had of how you would parent your kid? How you weren’t going to use pacifiers or bouncy swings, how you were going to get your child on a sleep schedule early, and that you were convinced that you could do things better than other parents? Yeah buddy, that crow ought to be tasting mighty good right now, assuming you even have the energy to use your one free hand to lift the fork into your mouth. I think the phrase “don’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes” was invented by the second set of parents who ever lived. The bottom line is that every good parent is doing the best they possibly can under the circumstances. You play the hand you’re dealt even though you have no idea what you’re doing, and if something works then it works.

7) Don’t let your lack of confidence paralyze you.
Nobody knows what they’re doing when they become parents. Your baby is trying to figure out this new world just as you are and that process is unique to every single family. What worked for your parents may not work for you. But just because you tried something and it didn’t work doesn’t mean you’re a failure and it doesn’t mean you’re not capable. Keep trying new things. Try the old thing again tomorrow as it may work under different circumstances. But keep trying. Deep down I believe your baby knows you’re trying to work things out the same as he is. You’ll figure it out, even if it takes longer than you thought it would.

8) It truly does take two.
I offer my utmost respect and admiration to single parents out there as I honestly don’t know how you all do it. It’s definitely hard enough with two parents trying to figure this all out at the same time; I couldn’t imagine trying to do it on my own. If you have a partner please please please do whatever you can to work as a team. Change diapers together. Watch them breastfeed and then take turns burping baby. Alternate sleep/babywatch shifts. Talk to each other and acknowledge you both have no idea what you’re doing. Don’t judge your partner as everyone parents differently and that’s OK. Recognize it takes time to figure out your own style of parenting, and that’s OK too. Go easy on each other and be there together. Even if your relationship isn’t in the best place, call a ceasefire for your baby’s good and your own good.

9) I have no idea what I’m talking about.
This list is based on my mere 3 weeks of experience as a father. In any other job that barely qualifies me to take orders at the drive-thru so definitely take what I’m saying with a grain of salt. Hell, take everything in this blog with a giant block of salt and a few shots of tequila for that matter. 🙂

10) It’s all worth it.
A glimpse of a smile, clutching my pinkie with his tiny fingers, falling asleep with his face buried in my chest, me staring into his big beautiful eyes knowing he feels comforted, protected, safe, and loved. All of those things make even the toughest, most sleep-deprived night fade away. I loved him so much for the 40 weeks and 1 day my wife carried him and I love him even more now. All the fear, anxiety, fatigue, panic, discomfort, it’s all worth it for those moments. He’s worth it.